My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
