Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
