Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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