I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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