Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
