Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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