You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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