Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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