From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
