At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
