Your face is a jimmy john
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
