once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
