OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
