I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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