They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
