Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
