he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
