Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize