if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize