i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize