You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
