I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
