And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize