Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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