Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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