i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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