There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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