You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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