I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
