The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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