I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
