I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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