Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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