We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
