i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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