Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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