Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
