1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize