this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
