So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
