She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
