i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
