I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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