Kiss
Puke
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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