If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
