If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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