I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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