do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
