I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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