my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
