That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
