connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
