I like my sex mixed with concussions.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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