I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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