you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this just has baby written all over it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
