I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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