you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
