Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
